we all want something else, we all want something we can't have.
but sometimes, i'm sure of what i want.
at other times, everything comes like a fuzzy blur.
trust me, it always left me insecure.
insecure about my job, my plans, my feelings, my doubts.
sometimes, i wish i could be in control of these things.
but then we all can't have it all.
i wonder if what i'm doing is not enough for the other party.
i wonder if i'm asking too much from anybody.
i wonder if i could be in someone's else shoes and feel him/her.
we all wonder, we all wish we could give it another try.
but then little did we know, we are not Heroes.
we dont do tv shows and lead an abnormal life.
i don't. so do you.

i fret not knowing the truth.
but sometimes yet again, not knowing could be better.
while knowing gets you off your head when you need to overcome it.
knowing means you need to deal with it.
deal with the feelings and the consequences of your actions, or usually, someone's else actions.
knowing means it puts you in a spot.
i wish i could ravish on a fine spot to release my thoughts.
i don't know how to say.

this is called knowing, but speechless.
even a word, any word, doesn't seem to acknowledge your symphony of disappointment, or even sadness.
but then speechless doesn't mean you can't feel anything.
i just realised just now that i could cry in public, i mean like a crowded place, like Orchard.
i admit my vulnerability, in circumstances like this.
it shows how much sometimes you don't trust me and my capacity of emotions.
but what am i to say when things have happened?
oh we all know for sure that i am strong enough.
i brush away and at that point of time, i just couldn't expect anything from you at all.
i may not be prepared but then someday maybe.

and when we think what we done is enough, we all need to think again.
we always need to adjust to impromptu events.
we can't always be dependent on what we have.
what if we lose it suddenly?
that's when readiness and willingness to accept comes to reality.
we don't live in fairytales.
not everything turns out just like how perfect we want it to be.
not everything is a happy ending.
we need to keep on improving, learning and best of all, permit to our mistakes.
that is the journey of success.

hopefully someday when everything is in good condition,
when i get all the fullest support,
when i am ready for a battle,
when i can run faster than my current speed,
when my heartbeat doesn't fake me,
when my actions are of righteous,
i might be the happiest lady as to date.

but then sometimes i think, i'm still too young.
and then, there's always a "sometimes" to ask for.